So, on Father’s day I shared the above post about my Mum. To understand why I am so annoyed, we need to back peddle a bit ….
I have never met my sperm donor, I’m not calling him my Dad again ever because he is far from it. I’ve always known his name and a little bit about where he was from as my Mum has always been honest about that. So my whole life there has always been this intrigue about him and what he was like. I had tried to look for him in the past but when James proposed to me in 2011, I really wanted to find him before we got married. Trust me when I say I wish I hadn’t bothered.
So my wedding came and went in 2013 and I hadn’t found him. A few months after we were married, I found his Mum by posting on a local Facebook group and someone came forward with information. I had TO PAY to send her a Facebook message. Anyway long story short, I arranged to meet with his mum, her partner and my sperm donor. They showed up and he didn’t and ignored their attempts to contact him beforehand apparently.
After this, I decided to send him a letter, pouring my heart out and basically telling him I wasn’t after money, I just wanted a relationship with my Dad, was that too much to want? too much to ask for? I also said in this letter that if I didn’t hear from him I would never contact him again. GREAT FOR HIM, because he never replied to me.
Since I found him, I have kept his mum, her partner and 2 of his other children as Facebook friends, I have met his eldest daughter once and his mum and partner once since 2013. ONCE! To be honest they never really seemed bothered about me and I wasn’t going to be the one doing all the running. me, it is them that should want to get to know me and my family. I was the one that found them not the other way around. His Mum and Partner sent us Christmas cards twice, you know, credit where credit is due but I am 30 years old!
Basically, everyone just makes excuses for him about how much of a hard time he has had in his life, I won’t say what because it isn’t my place. All I can do is say how I feel and honestly I get that, I’m not a monster, but at the same time that’s not my fault. It isn’t anything to do with me so why should I be punished for it?
So back to Fathers Day. I noticed that my sperm donors Mum had deleted me off Facebook. Obviously she has taken offence to my post! Like really? Your Son, treats his own child the way he has treated me and instead of kicking him up the arse or even having an open conversation with me about what I posted you just delete me? REALLLLLLLY. I am so mad, I literally wish I had not ever found them or had them in my life. AT ALL. I have blocked every single member of the family that I could think of. I’m going to really try and focus on the people in my life who actually care about me rather than trying to desperately be something to an absent father.
Is it hard? yes. I hate it and I think about it in some capacity every single day. It makes me feel like crap, especially when you see happy families on Facebook, sharing photos of the other grandchildren. It hurts, why am I and my children not celebrated like that? Why aren’t we good enough?
I just think now I have to look back at all I have achieved without him. I have my 2 beautiful children, a loving husband and amazing family and friends. I have a degree, I have done well for myself with my life without him. That’s what I need to focus on from now on.
So why am I so bothered? The truth is that until you have grown up with an absent parent, I’m sure you won’t understand. It’s really hard to put it into words but for some reason you feel like you have done something wrong. I have been reminded about him not being there at some of the most important times in my life, one being on my actual wedding day. Despite telling the registrar that I don’t have a father and that I didn’t want his name on my marriage certificate, they still insist on asking you again on your actual wedding day moments before you go in to get married. Just what I needed to be thinking about on my special day yeah?
AND I meant every word of my Facebook post. My Mum has done it all on her own, with 4 children and I commend her for that. I think single parent families should be commended on both Mother’s day and Fathers day, they do the job of both parents and it’s not an easy one. She’s not only there for me, she is there for her Grandchildren too. Something which I’ve longed for my whole life for myself and I wanted to praise her for it because she deserves it. The post got such a positive response from my friends and family so thanks to everyone who commented. It isn’t my fault that some people cannot handle the cold hard truth.
So I suppose this post is sort of a non apology really, a way to get this crap off my chest once and for all. A way to leave it in the past and move on. I’m closing the book on this part of my life once and for all.
This post has been really therapeutic. I’m not going to apologise for sharing something like this publicly. It’s a part of me and my life and I think its important that you get things like this off your chest for your own mental health.
If anyone out there has experienced anything similar and needs someone to talk to then my DMs are always open.
Thanks for reading!